The Cullens Invade Morganville
by Little Stone
Summary: This is how the Morganville residents get rid of the Cullens. Funny and light! Spoiler Alert: Takes place after Black Dawn.


**The Cullens Invade Morganville**

I own nothing. Do not read before Black Dawn. You have been warned.

Thanks to my sister who helped me edit this!

* * *

There was only one thing that could make Eve regret her marriage to Michael. And that was the appearance of Bella Cullen.

"It was the end of my pregnancy that was the hardest. My baby was eating me from the inside, and people were telling me to let her go. But no…"

Bella was blocking the way to the coffee machine. It was seven in the morning. "Get out of my way, creepy vampire chick. I need my caffeine," Eve growled.

Bella moved, but continued talking. "And then it ate through my stomach with its half-vampire teeth."

Eve choked on her coffee. Claire had just come downstairs and she was looking horrified. "Who is this? How did she get in here?" she asked.

"Amellie said that we have to house them as one of the conditions for our marriage," growled Eve. She gulped down more coffee.

"I bled and almost died. Then Edward turned me into a vampire," Bella continued in the same monotone.

"And the reason you're telling me is?" asked Eve menacingly.

Bella was oblivious. "You should get turned into a vampire too. I didn't realize what I was missing-"

"Is this decaf?" Claire suddenly asked, pointing to the unfamiliar coffee packaging.

"Caffeine is bad for your bones and can cause ostersomething. I'm a vegan, meaning that I only hunt animals."

Eve poured coffee on Bella's head and stormed out the door. Claire followed closely on her heels.

"I have super senses," Bella said.

* * *

Eve drove Claire to Common Grounds. Eve could make some money, and Claire could study. More importantly, they would both get good, regular coffee. They didn't notice that Oliver had started a "French Vanilla Only" policy in honor of the Founder's returning health. (Amellie is French and blond.)

_ Why has Amellie stopped talking to me_? Maybe if he named a new drink after her…Oliver was jarred out his thoughts because he was run over by a steamroller.

Just kidding. Emmet Cullen had slapped him on the back. "I'm friendly," he rumbled. The girls watched wide-eyed as Oliver picked himself off the floor.

Rose and Amellie walked in as Emmet picked Oliver up by his ponytail and brushed him off.

"I see you have met our guests," Amellie said.

"Wait, there's more?" Claire asked in horror. Eve shushed her.

"Send them away!" said Oliver.

Amellie was not fazed. "Remember who I am," she warned. Then she caught sight of the Founder Prizes. "Why are you giving away little figurines of me?" she asked in a dangerous voice.  
Oliver tried to explain that he gave them to people who bought French Vanilla coffee.

"You didn't give them to us," Claire whined. Eve shushed her.

Amellie was in a spitting rage. "My husband is nicer to me than your boyfriend is to you," Rose sang.

Rose and Emmet were banned from Morganville forever. Amellie tried to kick Oliver out too, but he promised to bring her 100 heads and lay them at her feet. Eve and Claire ran out of the shop screaming.

* * *

Theo and Myrnin were working on a new medicine. Amellie said that they had to come up with something to make Myrnin normal, but Myrnin was sabotaging it. He didn't want to lose his winning personality.

In the midst of a careful procedure involving kites and artificial lightning, Carlisle barged in. "Amellie sent me to help," he said. "I'm a doctor. I save lives."

"Me, too," Theo said. He explained what they were trying to do.

"I understand medicine. I'm a doctor," said Carlisle.

"Me, too," Theo said. He explained about all the procedures and medicines that he had already tried.

"I have been practicing for many, many years," said Carlisle.

"Me, too, Theo said. He explained the complexities of the brain. He waited, wincing.

"I want to cut open the head and see what's inside," said Carlisle.

"Me- wait a moment, you crazy!" Theo said. "We're supposed to protect the patient. Stop that!" he added as Carlisle reached for a surgical saw.

Myrnin was well prepared for this event. "Bob the Spider, I choose you!" He threw a glass orb containing Bob at Carlisle.

Bob leaped onto Carlisle's shoulder and bit his neck. Carlisle's body was hidden in the lab.

"Let's try the kite thing again," said Theo. "Hold the key, and _stop licking blood off your fingers_."

* * *

It was evening, and Michael was playing his guitar. Edward was playing the piano "in harmony".

"Don't you know any faster songs?" Michael asked. "My fingers are falling asleep."

"It's only been a few hours. I can play all day," said Edward.

"Wow, you're even wussier than Michael," said Shane, coming in the door. He had brought home dinner from the chopping place he worked at.

"Thanks, bro," said Michael. "I needed that vote of confidence."

Edward stood up. "I can read your mind," he moaned. "You are a violent man."

"Bite me."

At that moment, Miranda appeared. "Help me! They're taking over the house!"

Jasper could influence moods. When Miranda felt scared, the temperature went down. While Jasper was wreaking havoc, Shane suddenly turned into an ice block and fell over. Michael staked Jasper.

"That wasn't nice," said Alice. "And, by the way, your future is bad."

"You're going to leave now," said Miranda.

"We're going. I hate all of you!" said Alice. She unstaked Jasper and they both left.

"I told you so," said Miranda.

* * *

A few minutes later Eve and Claire came home. They set the table. Then Bella and Esme returned from shopping.

"There are no good stores here," whined Bella.

Esme took one look at Eve and shrieked. "You look horrible!" she shrieked. "This is a fashion emergency!"

"Shut up," Eve said. Esme gasped and left. And then there were two.

As everyone was eating dinner, Edward and Bella started dispensing more valuable advice.

"Eve, dahling, it's simply too dangerous to be married to a vampire."

"Why don't you turn her already?"

Michael grabbed them by the necks and threw them out the door. The thuds were very satisfying.

Less satisfying was the whining and complaining that could be heard for miles as the couple traveled back to Forks.

And everything was right again in the world.

* * *

Myrnin had to make a clone of Carlisle because the Cullens kept complaining over the loss of the original. He made extras and took out the personality chunks of their brains. Now he had clone slaves, supervised by taskmaster Bob.

* * *

This is just some insanity I thought just because.

And yes, it is just for fun, so keep your facts to yourself. Thank you.

And you'd better enjoy this, too. I'm in a demanding mood.

-Little Stone


End file.
